Don’t let difficult behaviours by colleagues dictate your quality of life
Published on 4 April 2025
Exasperating coworkers are a dime a dozen, but there are ways to cope with workplace tensions effectively.
We have all been there. The workday is long over, but a stressful interaction with a colleague refuses to leave your mind. Conversations at home feel tense, playtime with the kids lack joy and even as you try to sleep, the frustration lingers. Dreading the next workday? You are not alone.
Encountering difficult behaviours from colleagues happens in every workplace, from micromanaging to passive-aggressive communication. Some colleagues who act in such ways even earn labels: control freak, gossipmonger, energy vampire. Unfortunately, the emotional toll of dealing with such behaviours often spills into our personal lives.
“Workplace stress doesn't stay at the workplace,” said Ms Eugenia Yee, Senior Psychologist, Department of Psychological Medicine, National University Hospital (NUH). “And if you are facing difficulties at work, it can be hard to get into a space of engaging meaningfully with your loved ones.”
Ms Yee has seen patients whose work-related stress was severe enough to prevent them from returning to the office, leading to financial and emotional strain. Others found their professional and personal relationships suffering due to simmering irritability and anger. As a result, their work performance also took a hit.
“When people are so frustrated all the time in a really challenging environment, it doesn’t just come out in terms of anxiety, depression or dread,” she said. “They are not able to function the way the job expects them to.”
Every workplace needs healthy limits
Ms Yee’s advice is to take a step back and assess the situation objectively. Rather than labelling someone an “office gossip” or “control freak”, she encourages focusing on behaviours rather than defining the person by them. What exactly is it that bothers you?
“What I think is important is that we notice them as behaviours, rather than the character of the person. We have to reflect on our own behaviours too – while the tendency is to point fingers at others, we never really think ‘What was my role in this interaction?’”
While it is easier said than done, she also encouraged the importance of being receptive to feedback. “We all have our own weaknesses or certain trigger points, and we should actively do our best to work on them,” she said.
With self-awareness and empathy, direct communication is often the best way to address workplace conflicts. “Is there any miscommunication? Do your best to assert things that they shouldn’t be doing, and see whether you can find a middle ground,” she noted.
Once those boundaries have been set, be patient – change takes time. “It’s also giving a bit of compassion and allowing a reasonable time for that person to improve on certain behaviours,” said Ms Yee. If the behaviour persists despite efforts to address it, escalating the matter to a supervisor or Human Resource may be necessary.
Take a moment, slow down and pause
Breathing exercises can help regulate emotions and promote a sense of calm before difficult interactions. Try the ‘4-2-8’ breathing method: inhale for four seconds, hold for two, and exhale for eight. This simple practice can quickly soothe your nervous system, making it easier to approach difficult conversations with clarity.
“If our emotions are really high going into that conversation, the chances are that these emotions take over and then we are just acting on them, which may not be the most effective,” Ms Yee explained.
Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation, can also help. Even small breaks – stepping away to make a cup of tea or sitting in the pantry for a few minutes – can provide the mental distance needed to reframe a situation before reacting emotionally. Others find it useful to have a personal mantra to remind themselves not to take things personally.
Your work is not your whole life
Ms Yee encouraged finding interests and hobbies outside of work to find a good balance so that your life does not just revolve around the office. “I think we need those things because work can be quite draining,” she said. “You’ve got to refuel and replenish your soul.”
And for sure, taking breaks and time away from work certainly helps. “We need to recharge,” she said. “If not, we are just running on an empty tank, and then that will lead to more resentment.”
“After all,” she added, “your work is not your whole life.”
| How to communicate effectively and set boundaries at work |
| DEAR MAN is a communication skill from dialectical behaviour therapy that you can use as a guide in multiple workplace and personal interactions. It encourages you to be specific when making a request and expressing your needs (“I am not comfortable with this”, “This is what I need you to do”), while allowing room for negotiation and compromise. |
|
Example: Handling a boss who tends to micromanage D: Describe the situation. “You have been requesting for updates multiple times daily on this project I am working on.” |
In consultation with Ms Eugenia Yee, Senior Psychologist, Department of Psychological Medicine, NUH.